I’d like to live like a poor man – only with lots of money. – Pablo Picasso
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. – A. A. Milne
I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones… that’s why it’s called a “cell” phone. – Anonymous
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. – Steven Wrigh
The planet is fine. The people are fucked. ― George Carlin
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. – Abraham Lincoln
I”m trying to see things from your point of view, but I can’t stick my head that far up my butt.
Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week. – Spanish proverb
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. ― Phyllis Diller
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? – Abraham Lincoln
I do not spew profanities. I enunciate them clearly, like a f—ing lady.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. – Rodney Dangerfield
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. ― Mark Twain
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time. – Abraham Lincoln
Once you let mo-fos slide, they start to think they can ice skate.
Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2000 of something. – Mitch Hedberg
Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer. ― Ellen DeGeneres
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. – Al McGuire
Some people just need a high-five. In the face. With a chair.
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth. – Unknown
It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on. ― Marilyn Monroe
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak – Alan Dundes
I choked on a carrot this afternoon, and all I could think was ‘I bet a donut wouldn’t have done this to me.
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. – Mitch Hedberg
Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator. ― Lemony Snicket
Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. – Albert Camus
My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch … I call it lunch.
The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream. – Bill Murray
They love their hair because they’re not smart enough to love something more interesting. ― John Green
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. – Albert Einstein
I am not lazy I am on energy saving mode.
I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. – Steven Wright
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. ― Einstein
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. – Albert Einstein
It sure is strange that after Tuesday the rest of the week spells WTF.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. – Steven Wright
When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. ― Cathy Guiswite
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening. – Alexander Woollcott
Farts are like children, I’m proud of mine and disgusted by yours.
I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin
If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? ― Jerry Seinfeld
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads. – Andy Borowitz
Your life can’t fall apart if you never had it together.
Don’t be so humble – you are not that great. – Golda Meir
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. ― Rodney Dangerfield
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. – Andy Rooney
Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside too.
This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. – Oscar Wilde
That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. ― George Carlin
At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. – Ann Landers
Yes, I know there is a real special place in Hell for me. It is called a throne.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. – Mark Twain
Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours. ― Yogi Berra
If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. – Ann Landers
The look you give your friend when the teacher says find a partner.
I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose. – Steven Wright
A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it’s the stupid ones who need advice. ― Bill Cosby
Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too. – Anton Chekhov
Always be yourself, unless you can be Beyoncé then always be Beyoncé.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. – Steven Wright
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out. ― Lawrence Ferlinghetti
I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical. – Arthur C. Clarke
Never do the same mistake twice. Unless he’s hot.
If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success? – Jerry Seinfeld
Never miss a good chance to shut up. ― Will Rogers
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right – Ashleigh Brilliant
It’s a beautiful day, I think I’ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit.
I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people. – Mitch Hedberg
She’s strong! And scary…I bet she’s single…I’d put money on it.. ― Masashi Kishimoto (Naruto)
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target. – Ashleigh Brilliant
I thought I was in a bad mood but it’s been a few years so I guess this is who I am now.
I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there. – Steven Wright
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. ― Rodney Dangerfield
Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away. – Benjamin Franklin
What’s a queen without her king? Well, historically speaking, more powerful.
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. – Mark Twain
Puns are the highest form of literature. ― Alfred Hitchcock
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. – Benjamin Franklin
I eat cake because it’s somebody’s birthday somewhere.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on. – Winston S. Churchill
I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here. ― Lauren Myracle
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born? – Benny Hill
Only trust people who like big butts…they cannot lie.
When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye. – Cathy Guisewite
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.
― Robert Benchley
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind. – Bernard Baruch
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it. – Rodney Dangerfield
Don’t gobblefunk around with words. ― Roald Dahl
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so. – Bertrand Russell
When life shuts a door … open it again. It’s a door. That’s how they work.
That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. – George Carlin
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome. ― Isaac Asimov
The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper. – Bertrand Russell
The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap. Stay safe. Eat cake.
If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out. – Lawrence Ferlinghetti
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it. ― Rodney Dangerfield
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment. – Betty White
Hey, train wreck, this isn’t your station.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. – Fred Allen
A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned ― Benjamin Franklin
If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity. – Bill Vaughan
Finally my winter fat is gone. Now I have spring rolls.
All generalizations are false, including this one. – Mark Twain
You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D’s in school. Well guess what, I get F’s!!! ― Bill Watterson
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. – Bill Vaughan
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired. — Jules Renard
I don’t go crazy. I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody’s fingers. ― Rodney Dangerfield
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it. – Bob Hope
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. — Rita Rudner
My brain has too many tabs open.
Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell. ― Criss Jami
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. – Bryan White